I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know WHAT to do with my life. What CAN I do with my life. The stubborn side of me says everything, anything I want. If someone else has done it, why can't I and if no one else has done it, why haven't they?
The logic of the world though tends to limit me. I could minor in Peace studies? Nope, other classes are in the way. What about Poverty Studies? Nope. Scheduling problem again. Sustainability? Sorry, foundations class taught in Spring of 2012 when I am abroad.
Well hell. I want to do it all. However, I can just take fun classes, like the intro ones, senior year and not have a special minor or major. That does work. I can do that. Grudgingly so because it would be awesome to minor in either/all of them but I can do that.
What about after graduation now??? Global Health? Peace Corp? Grad School? Med School? Waa? SO MANY CHOICES! Granted, choices are awesome and I am lucky to have them, but still SO MANY CHOICES!
Med school might fall by the wayside. It's interesting. I would like to help people and help heal people and save lives, but what draws me to medicine or the concept of medical school is not because I love the subject material. It would be cool, admittedly, but the only reason I would want to do it is to help people. The more time I spend up here at UNDERC, the more undecided I get about the idea that being a doctor would be the best way to do that.
It comes back to wanting to help people. People in situations, economically, where they need some help from those of us lucky enough to be born into situations where we can help them. There is no reason that people should be suffering all around the world. Our society and economy and it's structure sets it up that way. The human race sets it up so that is so and I understand that. However, I don't have to accept that it has to stay that way. And I will not. I never will. No I will not be able to save every person or help everyone, but (going back to my stubbornness) damnit I can try.
I remember during my UChicago interview, my interviewer and I talked about service and doing international work outside of possibly going to medical school. She talked lots about the background people. The ones who keep the places running, who organize, figure out the logistics, and work behind the scenes doing the work that allows the doctors to do their work. Maybe that? I could do that. I could do research working in these fields, helping people.
When I met Paul Farmer, though I didn't speak with him long or much in depth about anything, he did tell me Environmental Science was an important degree and he wished more people were involved in it. During his talk he also made a point of saying that everyone can help in their own way, no one has to be him (though I still want to be him when I grow up). I have focused much of these past few years using him as a model to try to figure out what I want to do. Now though, I may be at the point I can become myself. Inspired by him to do work that helps the world, and help people, but help people not by trying to be him, because I am not him. I can help people being myself. I can work with the environment and people living with nature and the world and understanding how hurting ecosystems can also hurt humanity. The only way to survive is to survive together.
Leaning towards Peace Corp more and more. haha. But it would be for so long and that's a scary thought. Could I really do that? For 2 years? In another country? I freaked out enough not being able to be home for half this summer. BAH! Granted this isn't a decision I really need to make for another year or so.
For now, I know I need to get more involved. This past year academically destroyed me. I didn't volunteer much at all. I wasn't really involved in much of anything. I HATE that. I understand that I did do a lot academically but it was still annoying. I know I need to take the GRE next summer preferably. I know I should email professors this summer and get into a lab for the next semester since I am discovering this research thing is sort of cool.....
So for now I will leave this long rant about my future and the world. Typing all this out did help me figure some things out. It made many of my thoughts more tangible. I am still confused but I think I know I just need to focus again on what my heart is involved in. My heart is involved in helping. My heart is also in the middle of the forest. In the trees and moss and logs and beautiful wildflowers you find in the oddest places (we found pink and white ladyslippers the other day). My heart is also in South Bend and Golden Valley and every place in the world where my friends and family are, as they are the ones that keep me motivated and get me through the hard times.
Sigh so many decisions.
2 comments:
I know the feeling! Though my fields of interests are different from yours, one need only look at my highly organized favorites folders to see that I spend waaayyy to much time exploring grad programs and other after college opportunities. I think you can only plan to a certain extent. In life, things just seem to fall into place as some opportunities just arise when you least expect them and ultimately lead you down a path. In terms of the international service work, you might want to give that a test run somewhere before committing to two years in the Peace Corps. I'm not sure if you have research ideas for next summer or not, but it might be a good idea to try an ISSLP or Kellogg internship test out doing service in another country and gain some experience that you can talk about in future interviews etc. (If summer doesn't work, there may be a couple of Social Concerns break trips that are international.) I just feel like that's something to test drive before committing to a lengthy period of time. A friend of a friend was convinced she wanted to do Doctors without Borders until she spent a summer in Guatemala and a semester in Mexico. While she valued her time there, she realized med school wasn't for her after all. Sorry for the ramble, but that's just a piece of my 2 cents.
Claire, Your blog is wonderful to read. I hear your dilemma about med school. My two cents worth, based on what I saw in Haiti, is that humanitarian professionals and volunteers there had an awful lot more impact in the "helping people" realm when compared to health care workers. Sure, as a health care worker, I was right there at someone's side at a time of great need, which is a very fulfilling thing indeed, but it is the humanitarian work that could have PREVENTED that person from having to seek crisis health care from me in the first place. Putting working systems in place isn't as sexy as delivering babies in a tent city, but it impacts a lot more people. How awesome (and yet boring because it's abstract) is it to think that you could help build roads and hospitals so that a dusty clinic in a tent city isn't a woman's only resource! Good humanitarian work is more proactive than reactive. (All this said, I love being a nurse, especially when I get to work on systems, which nurses and doctors do get to do in the right positions.) That'll be $0.02, please. Carry on!
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